After Hysterectomy

Life is a living hell, and that is the place I am at in my life. I am entrapped inside myself. It feels like a nightmare. The pain is unreal. The loneliness is real, and yet I still have no clue to why I feel or act the way I do. Guess all I can do is continue to live one day at a time. I already do that for the majority of the time.

I try so hard to be loving and yet truth be known I really have a hard time with people. I don't trust at all, it is really difficult for me. I have always been hurt throughout my life and nothing seems to make it better. I try to hide behind a smile, hope, and faith, but it does not work. Day after day, I live in the same situation all the time with no let-up! Barking dogs that live inside our house, a child with mild to severe Autism that can't seem to function or stay on task or able to use the tools that were taught to him. Heck! I can't even concentrate. The worry of which dog is going to piss on what piece of furniture, which one is going to get out and wreck havoc on the whole house. or which two are going to get out and attack one another if we leave for just a little while. So many questions!
Our house is so bad filled with mold, lots of it. I am almost scared to see what kind it is yet I want to send it off to be tested! I know that this house is making me ill, but what am I to do. I really can't complain, though, why? Hmmm because I have lived in a lot worse than this. At least the water works, there are no roaches or rodents, both bathrooms works and the tubs aren't falling through the floor, the wiring isn't hanging from the ceilings and two trailers wasn't just smashed together in the attempt to build a bigger home... so all, in all, I do have a "better" place than what I did have.

There are days that I would just rather throw in the towel and say take me away, other days I don't want to knowing what my family would feel like if that were to happen, It's just so dang hard, it's hard when you see someone type on social media that has a medical condition that says " Love your life, live your life, and  make memories." it's so much harder than to "love your life" or just to live your life

I DON'T LOVE ME!

On September 19, 2016,  My husband and I of almost 8 years decided my health was more important than me untieing my tubes to have more kids. I had enough of the bleeding that it was time for us as a couple and me for myself to move on to the next chapter of our lives. We went to the hospital for my hysterectomy surgery. I won't lie, I was scared to death to have this. Everyone gave me advice, make sure to listen to the doctor. I have a wonderful husband who has tried his darned to be everywhere when it's just not possible. So we prayed and I thought I left it in God's hands, right? It seems easier said than done. I have cried every day in pain, and because physically, mentally, and spiritually I am sick. This has left me with questions. No, not in God, but, in myself as a wife,  mother, and as a friend.  How on earth do I not worry, nor do things like clean? How do I NOT prepare a meal for my family?  Why do I feel like I am nothing more than a mistake, that my husband and I should have never met? Why does it feel like I am loosing control? STOP!
I have to tell myself to breathe, STOP!  worrying about what you can't change, STOP! with all the nonsense questions! But I can't you see my brain WILL NOT let me, 24/7 my brain goes and goes. it always thinks about the "what if's" or "what could haves", Like what if I never came into this family? or What about the person I USE to be?   or How do I help my kids? Am I going to be a good enough parent, Maybe I need a job, no wait if I do that I have to put Zack back in school, then he will be bullied and it will be my fault because I didn't do my JOB as his parent. BREATHE.......
    NO! These walls are caving in, help.... oh my God I just had a hysterectomy, is my husband still going to love me even though I can NO LONGER have kids? Yes, I know my tubes were tied, but there was reversal or IVF.... NOW THERE'S NOTHING!  I say there's nothing left of me, I feel LESS than a woman! Less than a friend, Less than a MOTHER!
I can't control my thoughts no matter how much a person TELLS me to. My PAST is my ENEMY! It will not let me think positively only negatively. I bite my nails out of nervousness or scratch my head because it feels as though there are bugs crawling through when it's just my nerves.
TALK! NO! They will NOT listen to me, my breath with be the only thing they see, with no sound they will not hear me utter one word. I feel afraid, shaken by my own hellish feelings, drowning in what most say is self-pity, but it's not! I feel shut in and want to go out yet not wanting to interact with no one. I can't say that I am "depressed" or that I have "anxiety' (even though I was diagnosed many years ago) I obviously need to be reevaluated! I am not sure who I am, who I should be, where I should be, or where I want to be. I know I love my kids & my husband, but the one thing I know for sure is I DON'T LOVE ME!